The 411.

The main reason I've brought this blog to the attention of my friends and family is because I've been hiding for a long time...and I can't afford to shut you out of my life anymore. Like any alcoholic or drug addict, I'm ashamed to admit to having had an addiction, but my life's greatest asset are the people who have loved and known me, and it's going to take more than just me to get me through this.

A lot of people will look at these pics out of pure curiosity. Some will think, "Oh gross." Some will think, "Wow, how did she let herself get this way?" Some will say, "It's ok, girl, you're beautiful no matter how much you weigh," and I especially know that some ladies out there will be looking to compare and will think to themselves, "Yes, I look better than her!"

Truth is, I have to get past those worries because there aren't support groups out there for people who turn to food to cope. There's AA for those who struggle with alcoholism and rehabs for those with drug addictions, but nothing besides Weight Watchers (which is quite expensive) for those of us who turn to food to deal with our troubles. So what I'm doing is turning to you guys - yes, the people in my life who I've been too embarassed to hang out with, call, see on the weekends, given excuses when invited somewhere, and refused to be honest with about what's really going on in my life. I am finally opening up to those who I have been hiding from for the longest - my friends and family. Admitting to you guys that I've hit a rock bottom is the most difficult and BEST thing I could ever do for myself...and, like anyone else, it's a hell of a hard thing for me to do.

Life became too heavy to bear. I never dealt with how all the deaths, all the surgeries, or especially how losing a big career dream affected me emotionally and here I am, with more than 100 pounds to lose. I know there are others in my circle of friends and family who want support in the realm of weight loss and/or just getting healthy in general. Let's band together and support each other. Let's motivate one another. Let's share stories and remind ourselves of why we're moving forward. Let's remind one another to keep our eyes fixed on that long-term goal and look past our itching needs for that quick yummy fix, because the Diabetes, knee replacements, and heart attacks aren't worth it. Sharing my story with you will help me stay committed to myself.

So the battle against myself begins, and you are invited to be a part of my journey. Gawk if you will...be surprised, shocked, and even grossed out, but over the course of the next year or so, I hope you feel inspired to dream of being more than what you are and to give yourself more of what you deserve than you ever have.

A friend once asked me, "What if the whole last 10 years wasn't the story of Sarah? What if the surgeries, deaths, losses, and depression diagnosis didn't make up the most cataclysmic event of her life?" "What else could be?" I asked. My friend paused, lifted her face to the sun, and replied, "Coming back."

My story is changing.

I'm coming back.

Where has she been? What has she been up to?

It started when I was four years old... I stood outside in the snow with my mother and stared at the Aurora Borealis that stretched across Alaska's northern sky. My mother told me that the world was God's gift to me and to dream big because I could be anything I wanted to be.

I believed her.

As a result, I became the most ambitious four year old on Alaska's southern coast. I was going to fly. My days were spent in capes embroidered with Super Woman's logo and crafting paper airplanes that flew top-secret missions for my brother's GI Joes.

I lost that dream after my first heart surgery when I was fifteen. The months that followed proved to be more difficult as my father, grandmother, and step-father passed away. I turned to my faith for answers. I felt convinced that all of this happened because it was God's will and that He wanted me to pursue a different path in life.

So I meandered through the next ten years. I hoped to serve a mission for the LDS Church but was denied due to my health. I hoped to find my "calling" and new career by remaining diligent to the Lord and taking general college classes when finances permitted. However, after losing insurance coverage, work became my foremost priority. My education was placed on the back-burner and I committed myself to 80 hour work weeks to support the financial demands of upcoming surgeries. My life became work, work work...and the impact this lifestyle had on my spiritual and emotional self quickly made itself evident. I became severly depressed and developed an addiction that lasted too long. After years of living like this, life became a burden and I began therapy when death became a real solution.

In five years, I experienced losses that take most people a lifetime to see. I didn't lose these things by any merit of my own... I was a good kid. I wasn't lazy, made good grades, was firm in my faith and very committed to my dreams and goals. I was only 15 and young enough to have parents and grandparents around for a few more decades. In the end, the greatest loss I ever experienced, the only one for which I was entirely responsible, was losing myself. It took this final loss to learn that I deserve to give myself more than I have over the last ten years.

I'm doing well now and have learned that, despite the huge disappointments and heart aches of my past, I can still live passionately. I've learned that I can live a life that isn't determined by my health or choices a higher power would have me make. I often think back to that little girl in Alaska and want her to know it's not the dream or God who will define her - it's the journey. Learning that I am the captain of my ship has truly been my most rewarding and empowering lesson.

What if life isn't defined by what we've wished for and lost, but instead by the moments we spend getting from each of these places to the next?

This is my journey.